29 Mar
Have you ever known someone who makes you feel guilty for asking for help? Or someone who gets really upset when they think you might leave them? It can be confusing to tell if a person is dealing with covert narcissism or borderline personality disorder (BPD). Both can look the same on the outside like mood swings, blaming others, or pulling away in relationships. But inside, they come from very different places.
One hides behind fake sadness to stay in control. The other feels real pain and fears being left alone. How to spot the difference, why it matters, and how these disorders affect people and their relationships. Whether you’re trying to understand someone mental health or yourself.
Up-to-Date Overview of BPD and Covert NPD
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and covert narcissism are two mental health conditions that can seem very similar. People with either disorder may have big emotions, act in confusing ways, or struggle in relationships. But what causes those behaviors and what they feel inside is very different.
BPD is often about fear of being left alone. Covert narcissism is about hiding low self-esteem behind guilt or quiet control. They both come from deep emotional pain, often from things that happened in childhood. Learning the difference can help people find the right kind of support and healing. It can also help you protect your own feelings if someone you care about is struggling with one of these disorders.
What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
BPD is a mental health condition that causes strong emotions, fast-changing moods, and fear of being abandoned. People with BPD often feel like their emotions are too big to handle. One minute, they might feel really happy. The next minute, they might feel sad, angry, or scared and they don’t always know why.
They may get very upset if they think someone is going to leave them. Even small things, like a late reply or short message, can feel like rejection. They may say things they don’t mean or act in ways they later regret. Inside, they often feel empty, confused about who they are, and scared of being alone. It’s not because they want drama. It’s because their emotions feel like a storm that won’t stop.
Traits and Symptoms of BPD
- Very strong emotions that change quickly
- Fear of being left, even when no one is leaving
- Unstable relationships (loving someone, then pushing them away)
- Feeling empty inside
- Hurting themselves or acting without thinking
- Not knowing who they really are
Many people with BPD are kind and caring, but their emotions can feel too big to manage. That’s why therapy especially DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) helps them learn how to stay calm and feel safer inside.
What Is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism is a quiet kind of narcissism. These people don’t brag or show off like you might expect. Instead, they act sad, insecure, or overly sensitive. They may say things like “I’m just too broken,” or “Nobody ever sees how much I give,” to make others feel bad for them. But deep down, they want attention and control just in a quiet, sneaky way.
They often feel jealous, angry, or like the world is unfair to them. But instead of yelling or acting loud, they use guilt or silence to make others feel sorry. This type of narcissism is hard to spot because it looks like low self-esteem. But it’s really about hiding a fragile ego and trying to stay in control without being obvious.
Similarities Between BPD and Covert Narcissism
At first glance, BPD and covert narcissism can look almost the same. People with both may seem very emotional, hard to understand, or quick to blame others. They may change their moods fast, have trouble in relationships, or act like victims. This can make it confusing to figure out what’s really going on.
But just because two things look alike doesn’t mean they come from the same place. Both disorders may cause drama, pain, and hurt feelings but the reasons behind the actions are very different.
Here are some things they have in common:
- Mood swings and strong emotions
- Fear of being alone or unloved
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Feeling misunderstood or not good enough
- Acting in ways that hurt others (even without meaning to)
Many people with these disorders have gone through trauma or emotional pain in childhood. Learning the difference helps us respond with the right support not judgment.
Key Differences Between Covert Narcissism and BPD
Even though covert narcissism and BPD can look alike, they are actually very different on the inside. The main difference is what’s driving the behavior. One is about fear. The other is about control.
People with BPD often act from fear especially the fear of being left. Their emotions feel like waves that crash too hard. People with covert narcissism act from shame. They want others to think they’re kind or caring, but deep down, they feel empty and want to stay in control. Let’s look closer at the key differences.
Self-Image
BPD: People with BPD don’t always know who they are. One day they might feel confident, the next they feel like a failure.
Covert NPD: They pretend to be humble, but inside, they believe they’re special, even if no one else sees it. They want others to notice them without asking for it.
Behavioral Motivation
BPD: They act out when scared. If they think someone is leaving them, they might panic, cry, or get angry.
Covert NPD: They don’t show their emotions the same way. Instead, they use guilt, sadness, or silence to get attention or stay in control.
Empathy
BPD: They feel other people’s pain, sometimes too much. But their own emotions can be so strong, they may forget how others feel in the moment.
Covert NPD: They may act like they care, but often they don’t feel real empathy. Their “caring” can be used to make themselves look good or gain trust.
Manipulation Style
BPD: They might say or do hurtful things without thinking when they’re scared or overwhelmed. It’s not planned, it’s emotional.
Covert NPD: They may act sad, quiet, or helpless on purpose, so others feel guilty and do what they want. It’s more sneaky and planned.
What Is a Borderline Narcissist?
Sometimes, a person can have both BPD and narcissistic traits. This is called a “borderline narcissist.” They may be full of strong emotions like someone with BPD, but also act controlling and self-focused like someone with narcissism.
This mix makes relationships very confusing. One moment they cry and beg you to stay. The next moment, they blame you for everything and act cold. They might not even know they’re doing it. It comes from deep emotional wounds that were never healed.
These people often had very painful childhoods, where love came with conditions. They learned to survive by always trying to protect themselves, even if it hurts others.
Can BPD and Covert Narcissism Co-Occur?
Yes, they can happen at the same time. This is called comorbidity, and it’s more common than people think. Some people with BPD may also show signs of narcissism especially if they grew up feeling unloved, judged, or ignored.
When both are present, things get more complicated. These people may feel scared of being alone and act like they’re better than others. They may pull others in with charm or sadness, then push them away with anger or guilt.
This combo is hard to treat, but not impossible. The first step is getting the right diagnosis and working with a therapist who understands both disorders.
BPD and Covert Narcissism in Relationships
Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD or covert narcissism can be really hard. You might feel confused, drained, or like you’re always doing something wrong, even when you’re not. That’s because both disorders affect how people connect with others.
A person with BPD may be very loving one minute and very angry the next. They might get scared you’ll leave and do anything to keep you close or push you away first to protect themselves.
A person with covert narcissism may seem quiet or sad, but they can also make you feel guilty, ignore your feelings, or twist the truth to stay in control. They often act like they’re the victim, even when they’re the one causing harm.
Both types of relationships can leave the other person feeling unsure, hurt, and emotionally tired. If this sounds familiar, therapy for emotional manipulation can help you understand your role and set boundaries.
Do Narcissists and People With BPD Attract Each Other?
Yes, they often do and the connection can be intense. At first, a person with BPD might feel like the narcissist finally “sees” them. And the covert narcissist might enjoy the attention and emotional closeness the BPD person gives.
But over time, things get rocky. The BPD partner might become too needy for the narcissist, while the narcissist starts to pull away or blame the other person. This back-and-forth creates a painful cycle of chasing and rejecting.
These relationships are full of highs and lows. They might feel exciting, but they’re often unstable and unhealthy unless both people get help.
Can These Relationships Ever Work?
It’s possible, but it takes a lot of work, therapy, and honest effort from both people. The person with BPD needs to learn how to handle strong emotions and build trust. The person with covert narcissism needs to stop using guilt or control and work on building real empathy.
For any relationship to work, both partners need to:
- Take responsibility for their actions
- Respect each other’s boundaries
- Get support from a licensed therapist
- Be willing to grow and change
These relationships are not easy. But with the right help, some people can learn to have healthier, more caring connections.
Are Covert Narcissists Codependent?
Yes, many covert narcissists can be codependent but not in the way people usually think. They don’t show it by being clingy or needy on the outside. Instead, they act like they don’t need anyone, but deep down, they depend on others to feel good about themselves.
They often use sadness, guilt, or silence to keep people close. They may say things like, “No one ever cares about me,” so others feel bad and stay. This is a way to keep control in the relationship without asking directly.
Even though they seem quiet and hurt, covert narcissists still need attention, approval, and praise just like other narcissists. That need makes them emotionally dependent, even if they hide it.
How Are These Disorders Diagnosed?
Doctors and therapists use special tools and long talks to understand what someone is going through. These include interviews, checklists, and looking at behavior patterns over time.
But it’s not always easy to tell the difference between BPD and covert narcissism. Some people get misdiagnosed, especially at first. A person with BPD might be called “too emotional” or confused with bipolar disorder. A person with covert narcissism might look like they’re just sad or depressed.
That’s why it’s important to see a licensed therapist who understands both conditions. Diagnosis isn’t about blaming, it’s about finding the right path to healing.
Treatment for BPD and Covert Narcissism
Both disorders can be treated but in different ways. BPD is often helped with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). This teaches skills like calming down, dealing with big feelings, and handling relationships better.
Covert narcissism usually needs schema therapy or psychodynamic therapy, which helps the person understand where their behaviors come from and how to change them.
People with BPD often want help and are open to therapy, especially when they’re hurting. People with covert narcissism may not think anything is wrong. They might resist help or try to control the therapy process.
But with the right treatment and therapist, both disorders can be treated. Change takes time, but healing is possible.
What Healing Looks Like for Both
Healing from BPD or covert narcissism doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, effort, and a lot of support. But small changes can lead to big progress.
| Healing Signs | For Someone with BPD | For Someone with Covert Narcissism |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional Control | Staying calm during arguments | Admitting when they hurt someone |
| Communication Growth | Talking about feelings instead of acting out | Being honest about their need for attention |
| Relationship Skills | Building trust with others slowly | Learning to care about others’ feelings in a real way |
Healing means learning new ways to think, feel, and connect. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being better than before. With therapy, patience, and support, both BPD and covert NPD can be managed.
Social Media Myths and Realities
Today, lots of people talk about mental health on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube. That can be helpful but also confusing. Some videos say that people with BPD are always “toxic.” Others act like all narcissists are evil. That’s not true.
BPD is often shown as drama or mood swings, but many people with BPD are kind and just overwhelmed. It’s important not to confuse BPD with bipolar disorder or depression.
Covert narcissism is sometimes confused with being shy or sad, but it’s really about hiding control behind guilt. If you’re unsure what you’re seeing, don’t rely on a post talk to a therapist who understands both.
Mental health is complex. Labels don’t tell the full story. If you’re unsure about what’s true, trust real experts, not short videos.
FAQs About Covert Narcissism vs BPD
Can someone have both?
Yes. A person can show signs of both disorders. This is called comorbidity. It makes things more complex but can still be treated.
How can you tell the difference?
BPD is driven by fear of being left. Covert narcissism is driven by shame and control. The way they act may look alike, but the reasons are different.
Are people with BPD manipulative?
Sometimes yes, but it’s usually not on purpose. They act out from fear. Narcissists, especially covert ones, are more likely to plan their actions to stay in control.
Can either disorder be healed?
Yes! With therapy and support, people with BPD or covert narcissism can learn to change and build better relationships.
Conclusion
Having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or covert narcissism doesn’t make someone a bad person. It means they’re carrying pain that may show up in confusing or hurtful ways. These disorders can be hard to live with and even harder to understand but they are also treatable. With time, support, and the right kind of mental health therapy, healing is possible.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure whether you or someone close to you is struggling with BPD or covert narcissism, you don’t have to go through it alone. At Novu Wellness, our caring team of therapists in Roswell, GA, is here to help. We understand these complex disorders and provide therapy that supports real change step by step.
No matter where you are in your journey, we’re here to walk with you toward healing.
